This is one of those, I really didn't want to see replies. But after today....... the sui thoughts returned, and then I saw an attempted on a movie. and it looked good, but also it didn't. I know it's getting bad, and I'm not giving myself the attention that I need. I have work tomorrow, I should be calling a friend right about now, and hoping he helps me to do what I really need to do.... call one of my treatment team.... But the simple fact is, I'm scared, I don't want to hear that or see one of the treatment team.

I keep doing things to distract myself, It's working... but the desires are not disappearing. I'm almost afraid of the only thing that would get me to get the help that I need. Or who could get the help I need.

I'm stubborn and that makes it very hard. The first hospitalization I was able to make the call myself. The second, others had to help me. And now the Third possible time.... who knows what would help me to get the help I need, or what would have to happen... The first time, I said I was never going back. and then I went back. The second, I really didn't want to go, but I was having problems walking, so I went... And now I"m really stubborn.