Okay, so, I'm almost positive I have bpd. Not trying to sound like a self-diagnoser, but this isn't what it's about. I cling to my friends. A lot. Today I felt so rejected and unwanted because my friend asked me if I'm going to a basketball game and she said she was going to be with other people just so I don't get surprised when other people are there and I told her I just wasn't going to go because I'd ruin it for her.. She said she didn't care if I went or not. She never said she wanted me to, she just kept saying she wouldn't care. And then she started saying that if I went I'd just get awkward(she's hanging out with people I don't know and I'm horrible with first impressions) and that she didn't want me to feel unwanted and that she was trying to "protect" me by saying it. She said that I'd just feel unwanted if I found out about her going to the game with other people, so she wanted to tell me ahead of time so it didn't seem like she was hiding anything. She said I'd be mad either way. To me there's a big difference between trying "to protect someone" and not wanting them around.. Everything's fine now and I am going to the game with her, but I'm just scared of messing something up. Like feeling rejected or getting paranoid. I told her I'll give her her space and that I won't feel rejected and she doesn't have to worry. But that's really not a promise I can make.. It feels like there's a good part in my head that wants to be grateful that she hasn't given up on me, but the other part keeps saying "she doesn't like you anyway. she doesn't want you around. everybody leave eventually". It's like there's a war going on inside my head.. I want to be good and nice and grateful but I always end up being the one overreacting and getting too emotional. The screw up. I don't even want to tell her about my feelings anymore because it seems to magnify these small things..
Sorry it's so long.. But anyway, I really want to be calm tomorrow. I really want to. For her. I want to quit ruining her life. I'm on anti-depressants, but they don't help.. This paranoia's what caused me to start self-harming. My mom had anxiety/anti-depressant medication that she never takes but I took all of it. 60+ pills in a week and a half... When I think about her wanting space, not wanting to be around me just this one time, it makes me freak. Like she just wants me to be gone altogether. I'm so scared of letting my head get the better of me tomorrow, I really am.
I've already seen a doctor, he's just given me medication and asked what was causing it. I've been very honest with him. He hasn't really provided me with any healthy coping methods.. How do I cope with this paranoia? My head is ruining my life and destroying everyone around me, and I don't know how to stop..
Sorry this is so long. I've already told my friend all of this, and my doctor knows about the paranoia, but not specific situations. He's just a family doctor. I'm prescribed to bupropion(2 wk trial), and I was on sertraline for two months. I'm only 14 and I'm already feeling like a lunatic.. I want all this negative thinking to quit ruining my life. I can cope fine with being sad, it's just that everyday is a cycle between anger, sadness, self-hate, anxiety, dissociation, etc.. I want out. Does anyone know at least how to cope with feeling paranoid/unwanted/rejected? That's what's causing most of my problems.. I can't take it anymore. Any help is appreciated thank you x