...ok then. I am not real excited about sharing this stuff though.
It's one thing to admit depression....to admit feelin' like a loser....a misfit.

it's another thing to delve and open up!

the thing that gets me down the most..where all my true sadness radiates from.
(I have no reasons to write this apart from 'sharing' it)
it's very basic.

I am ALONE.
I am not lonely....because it's interesting that even loneliness can be shared by two people...therefore enhancing their togetherness.

I have not met anybody who can handle me...or is willing to try, and even I know how complicated I am, and moreso I won't even let them try anymore...but the desperate human need for intimacy chews at me like..gnawing away little bits of me each day it seems.
Watching people enjoy each others company...instant sad.
I see single women all over the place and that gets me down even more...instant sad.
I immediately play the loop in my head..."not good enough...failure...complicated"...I have already 'written myself off'...before I even drive out of the show room.

I feel doomed to be alone..I have gone way out far beyond being lonely...I am just alone now! I brush it off...sweep it over into the corner somewhere...but there's no getting rid of it.
and what makes it worse....I reckon everybody who looks in my eyes can tell...see behind my facade and they pity me. well screw them, they have'nt lived my life.
I would do anything even to have a dumb argument with a 'girlfriend'...
I don't care how pathetic I sound.
I have to admit...my lifestyle over the years has made it very difficult to find partners that I actually liked! it was all love and hate.
anyway I left all that behind hoping to recover and have a better life...
it just sux being alone...alot of people are alone I guess.

so there you have it...someone asked and I answered.

monkey