I feel myself spiraling down down down right now and I know I'm going to give in. I can hold out for only so long before I just can't care anymore and it's all I have. I don't know how to stop it. It's like not eating when you're hungry. Not drinking when you are thirsty. The longer you wait, the worse you feel, and if you don't give in eventually, then it will somehow end you.

I try to think about how past injuries still hurt. How I've bruised my arms and wrists so much in the past that the bones hurt when the weather changes and my hands cramp up when I write. I try to think about how much that frustrates me. But then I justify that I'm not going to do something lasting. Flesh wounds only. Or bruise somewhere that won't hit the bone. It's stupid. I know this. The whole thing is stupid. But I can't care anymore.