The need of a child for a mother is huge and it doesn't go away. I still have it too. My mother at age 65 went into therapy for the first time for herself.

After all this time it is not safe to totally trust her. I wish it was --I hurt cos it isn't. I have found a measure of acceptance in knowing how badly her mother used her. I have wanted desperately for her to be honest with what she did to me and does to me and she is never going to be able to do that.

About a month ago I had a dream about it all. My T has had me send myself as an adult into some of my nightmares to rescue myself as a child. In this particular dream, Mom was kicking me and I stopped her and told her that it was not right and I didn't deserve it. The younger me tried to get Mom to say she was sorry for hurting me, but just like real life she denied that it had happened. I was holding myself and told me that I wasn't gonna get that from Mom and would have to accept from the adult me that it wasn't right and wasn't deserved and I was sorry that we had had to endure it. I know this is confusing but it seems to have lifted some of the weight of it all off my heart.

~D~