i've been keeping super busy lately but whenever i stop and sit down everything inside becomes this big twisted distressed mess. i feel like i should know how to get out of this but i can't remember.

t has been away for about a week. i had to look it up on the calendar. actually thought it had been about a month so far. and still have another 5 weeks til i see him. and i can't remember him at all. and its like i want nothing more to do with him and REALLY do not want to go back ever and just want to cancel all my future booked sessions. i really don't like at all what we've been working on. and it's like he's just being pushed RIGHT away FAR away which is fine by me. but it's like i'm also being pushed away. pushed away from myself. i have no idea how to stop that.

and things are just really distressed as soon as i slow down a little and it's like i know i'm supposed to be doing things to help them, but i don't know what and don't know how and can't get anywhere near them anyway. im just so confused and don't know what to do about it all.

i feel like no ones going to understand this at all. i don't feel human. posting will be a mistake. i just don't know what else to do.