Hope it is ok if I journal my thinking here... and any feedback is always welcome.

First, I will admit that I am still drinking. And I just don't think I will stop until I come to grips with the First Step. I realize from what others have written that I won't ever move past this step - instead I will need to learn how to work it every day.

Unlike others, I have had no negative results from my drinking - never been hospitalized, arrested for DUI, spent time in detox or a recovery program. I've attend a few AA meetings now - and everyone there seems to have had those experiences - so it makes me feel as though I don't belong in AA...

I don't like the idea of being powerless - I was raised to believe that I could achieve anything I wanted. Sometimes that pressure was too much, and I have even told my parents that I struggled with their high expectations of me. Maybe I still do and that is why I can't come to terms to admitting I am powerless over alcohol...

What I do know at this point is that alcohol has total power over me. But I don't want to admit that I'm an alcoholic - even though all of my family knows I am. I don't want to admit that I can't solve this myself, because I've always had a very independent streak and believed I could solve most anything! (Yeah, maybe that is why I am so good at taking care of everyone else and not myself).

Still with me?

I am very aware that certain parts of my life are unmanageable. All I have to do is look around my home to see unfinished tasks and projects; books I started reading and never finished; emails from friends to which I haven't responded... a long list.

I know I want happiness and serenity back in my life. I have wonderful memories of times 5+ years ago when I wasn't drinking. I cry when I think about those times.

Again, hope it is ok that I'm writing all of this down here. Thanks to all of you who read it.