As many of you know, I have been hospitalized 9 times over the past 3 years (from 16 to 19 years old). I'm 19 years old at the moment. The last time I was hospitalized and SIed was over 7 months ago. Lots happened during these hospitalizations. Diagnoses, therapies, medications, ECT treatments. Sometimes months spent in the hospital. 2 suicide attempts (1 genuine), and lots of self-injury.

I was at a point where suicide was my back up plan - if the depression became too hard to cope with, I would simply kill myself. It was a comfort to me, a shield. My last hospitalization, I realized how toxic that thinking was to my recovery, and decided that suicide was no longer an option. I also decided that self-injury was no longer an option.

I have been true to my word so far, no suicidal thinking,intent, or self-injury since then, except for a couple of flitting thoughts these past 7 months...which is pretty darn good! I have had depressed days, or even depressed weeks, since...but have gotten through them without resorting to the extremes I used to.

I feel like I should remember these past 3 years so clearly, because such significant things have happened. But it feels like a blur, like a former lifetime ago. It almost feels like it happened to somebody else...or didn't even happen at all. I suppose I should be grateful...but it makes me uneasy that my mind could just forget such a significant block of time in my life so easily.

Can anybody relate to this?