I just had a hell of a borderline day! I've been working really hard to stay out of my spiral and black and white thinking.

At work, I was triggered when nothing was done about a fellow employee who continues to mistreat subordinate staff and gets away with it. I stood up for us. No one did anything to correct the situation (that I could tell) and it seemed like people were more annoyed with me for bringing up the obvious than with the person who is actually causing the problem.

My inner scapegoat was triggered. Just like in my family, I was stating the obvious and breaking through the denial of abuse. Instead of the perpetrator (my dad) being held accountable, I was told I was the problem for a "bad attitude." If I can't rage outward, I will rage inward--hello Borderline.

Today I wanted to be crazy. I wanted to cut. I wanted to rip things off the walls. I wanted to make everyone "see" physically what pain they were causing me. But I did not do these things. I contained my emotions and shared them with a healthy co-worker and my best friend (in recovery) over the phone. I shared the miserable pain it is for me to feel that powerless like I did as a child. I know today at work that I am not powerless (I choose to work there), but inside of me, my emotions are raging, trying to take me over.

I did feel better after talking (shouting really and crying) with my best friend. I took a shower and a nap and went to get a good dinner. Even so, my borderline thoughts came back: "If I have to battle this hard just to stay at a good place, is life worth living? Maybe the conscious choice to kill myself is better? No one understands how frustrating and painful it is to feel so crazy inside but force my brain to handle the emotions better."

I am not suicidial and I am not going to harm myself. I just wanted to share and receive support about how hard my BPD battle was today. I am proud of how I handled it--not going to the spiral--but man it was hard.

Love,
B1