Hi All,

I've posted in the Bipolar forum before and not sure whether best to post there or here, but as this is primarily addiction related thought I'd post here.

I've had mood disorder problems since I was 17 and had a diagnosis of BP2 rapid cycling before, I stopped taking meds and ceased treatment after a few months. I also have problems with alcohol and drugs.

My last bad relapse happened after a broken engagement. I had been recovering from an IV heroin addiction and went back to the needle when the relationship ended. I become more dependent than ever, using 2+ times a day for 3 months straight & also started doing speedballs. I had a really high paying job that afforded me my habit, but my work suffered. Eventually I hit rock bottom and had an emotional breakdown.

I walked away from my job and left the city I was living in to get away from all my contacts and came home, which is a long way from where I was living. I have been living at home and have been clean for nearly 3 weeks now. I have got past the sickness and have been gaining energy and health everyday.

However, I'm now having crushing anxiety and loneliness. I don't miss using, but I miss the 'lifestyle' and the company that came with it even though I know it was bad for me. I'm so anxious about the future and living a 'normal' life, not know whether I can cope with it.

I have an appointment in 5 days to see a drug & alcohol counsellor, but don't know if I can make it to then. The anxiety is this feeling of panic and desperation which is leading to intrusive suicidal thoughts. I live with my mother at the moment but don't want to tell her because she doesn't need any more stress in her life. I have thought about ringing the emergency psychiatric hot line, but I'm terrified of being sectioned (legally committed) and having my freedom taken away.

The thoughts are constant. I don't think I would act on them because I have 6yo daughter who I love incredibly and couldn't leave behind, but I also feel very panicked like I'm being forced back into a corner and need to do something. Sometimes I think about returning to the city I was using in to go back to the lifestyle, because as horrible as it was, it's better than SH/SI.

I don't know what to do. Do I try and wait it out until I see the counsellor and try see a psych dr again? Or should I be seeking emergency help?

I'm so sick of my whole life bouncing between wild, crippling mood swings and self-medicating with addictions.