Thanks Antimatter. It's so nice to have others out there who understand.
I have spent the last two years working hard with my therapist and pdoc to identify and change my specific BPD behaviors. I have noticed it all starts with my thoughts. Even when I get triggered by a feeling, that feeling is brought on by a thought. In this case (yesterday), the thought was "yet again, I'm the bad one and the person doing the actual abuse is good." The feelings accompanying that thought was anger and pain.
For me it goes:
1. Thought
2. Feeling
3. Behavior
Sometimes I can only change my behavior (not acting out), but on really good days, I can actually change my thought ("This work situation is not my family of origin and I can trust my Higher Power to get me through it. I am not bad or less than others.") When I change my thought, my feelings slowly change.
It took me YEARS to learn this method of coping. Worth it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
Wow,
I could have written your post myself! It's nearly impossible to find others IRL who truly understand the difficulties people with BPD have with relationships. I try to own what is my stuff/issues but don't always know. I also like to state the obvious and fail to see why people in 'higher' positions deserve deference or respect just because of their position. Your post helped me put into words what I have been feeling, so thank you! I'm impressed at your courage and your coping skills, and at the same time I hear your intense pain and know myself how painful interacting with others can be. 
I wonder . . . Maybe we 'get it' and they don't? I think they need therapy (they=coworkers) for assertiveness training. Nothing like a good reframing to make myself feel better (haha). Take care! |