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Thank you open eyes for your reply again! You're a wonderful writer and very well spoken. Your words have helped me more than you can realize. I do go into a panic when I get triggered, I just wish I could realize that I am being triggered when it happens. I always feel like I have to run or fight. The flight or flight response, I'm sure you know how that goes. It happens all the time, when something small goes wrong I all of a sudden get an overwhelming feeling that things are the absolute worst they can be and I decide I'm going to leave or I'm going to fight my heart out. I guess maybe I have to remind myself that I've been triggered when these things happen.
I can tell if something ruins my relationship it will be this. Every time I get the slightest hint that he's not happy with me I'm ready to pack up and move across the country. But I've been fighting that urge until things calm down and have been very thankful that I haven't acted on it yet. I have to make sure I don't in the future I can tell it's already put a dent in the relationship.
I figured once I was out of the chaotic environment that I've been around my entire life (going from abusive father to abusive step fathers to abusive teachers abusive family members abusive misc men all the way until I was 18 then I got married to escape the abuse and ran into an abusive marriage. Once I packed my things and moved 1/2 way across the country I thought "Now that I'm finally safe for the first time in my life I can relax, work on myself and be happy finally!" Well I am happy, I'm a lot less tense than I was and I do work on myself but these are only fractions of how I thought I would feel. I didn't realize so much piled up chaos would effect me even after it was all said and done. So now it's sorting through all the trauma to find out how and why it's effecting my life I guess... But there's so much drama and so much I don't even know about yet... It's gonna be a long road, I only hope I don't make things worse for myself in response to what has happened in the past...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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