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Thank you Pegasus and JD. It's just so strange how all of this works. The dinial, the acceptance, the signs that point to it, the feeling that I can't have it... I don't know why denial has to be such a large part of this. Now that I fully understand what dissociating is, I'm realizing more and more how much it's happening. But I've known what it was for a couple of years now, it seems once I started to feel more safe though in my relationship and in my life that these problems began or at least that I started to notice them. Perhaps because everything is much more calm now I am able to better focus on myself, or perhaps because I feel safe now what/whomever is inside feels much safer at breaking down and dealing with all of the issues from my past.
Until last year I thought I was so strong. I thought I was one of the strongest emotionally in the world. Considering my past and how little I knew it was effecting me. That was in my DID denial phase. Now that things are starting to surface and such it's making me feel less and less sane by the moment.
I guess it's the name of the game though.
I am having such a hard time telling if it's an "alter" or if it's me so much... I'm starting to notice certain things... Like when I look in the mirror, about 40 percent of the time I look like me but about 60% of the time I recognize the face but it looks so foreign to be looking at in the mirror. I talk to people and am aware that I'm talking to them but am not as aware of what I am saying. Like I'm only there 30% the other 70% is on vacation or something and I'm pretty much only there to make sure things don't get screwey.
I will say my name sometimes and while I'm saying it, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't know if these things are seperate or not but they are making me have a difficult time in noticing the difference between myself and them. I know we are the same, but if there are different personalities and such, wouldn't I know I was a different personality at the time and not just feel like a different person?
When I'm going through the motions of talking but don't know what I'm saying... When I'm only like 30% there to watch really but am somehow managing to hold a conversation I know nothing about, is that me or them? When I'm thinking or just sitting and someone says I said something I was saying or even un related but I don't have any memory of actually vocally saying anything, is that me or them?
It's so confusing I really need a t!!!!!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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