I don't know why I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of a lot of things and I don't know the reasoning behind it. It's not enclosed spaces. It's not falling. For as long as I can remember it's always been a fear, but I still forced myself to do it. I don't like being wet, it's sensory overload for me, but I'm willing to wash my hair in the sink so I don't think that's all of it.

It's the shower itself. But I don't know why. I get this "O I can do it" mode and then I start taking off my clothes before I turn on the shower and that's when I start being not okay. I am fine with changing my clothes though. It's just the reality that I actually AM getting a shower hits me and I leave the bathroom.

Right before this happened I had horrible arthritis like pain in my joints because of one of my meds, and I couldn't lift my feet over the tub walls. So I went a week without a shower, but then the pain went away and I still can't shower. It's like before I forced myself to do it, knowing I had to shower two times a week. No excuses. But then I fell into a trap that I suddenly realized I wouldn't die if I didn't shower twice a week, so why challenge the fear and then it got even more carried away, and here I am four weeks into not having a shower and not seeing one in my immediate future.