I know based on what the note contains, that some people will want to judge me, but please, don't respond negatively.

The note:
I know that I am not supposed to be journaling, but I felt really strongly this time that I needed to.
I have si'd at least twice because I am not handling life well. I hate myself for who I have become and what I have done to my family.
I am externalizing the pain by SI'ing. Obviously, not the most effective thing to do, but I am at a point that I cannot keep going the way I am. I don't want to exist this way.
4ish years ago, I had an abortion. I regret that choice and think of that baby every day of my life. I can't forgive myself for all the things I have done. I want it all to end.

I have caused so much pain to my family, and I deserve to feel their pain. The only way I can make that work is to SI. I need to feel the pain in the hope that someday, maybe I will forgive myself for all of the bad things i have done.