ooooo
Here we go i can`t take
All this **** hardly awake

I feel so crazy - fun and funny and high and....suddenly start to cry
I realize how job and studies and the other thing and traveling between the cities is slowly making me insane. Seriously.

You see - last year i was trying to do something. I was trying to make enough money and F off of here. Of this country. To disappear.

Of course - i did not have the courage, the energies, the determination and maybe the true deep desire to do so...I failed all my plans.

I discovered that on the level of the INTELLECT - i am really much more of a scientist than a creative person. My creativity is in things like choreography and music. So i left the subject i have been trying to succeed and failing and rarely succeeding for 6 years.

I have tried so hard! I wrecked my nerves. I investigated deep into myself to find PTSD which i was completely unaware of. I found out real danger...that might have nothing to do with college but had a major influence on my grades...and my ability to study - not to mention - to FUNCTION AT ALL.

Anyways - you know - now it is pretty much of the same.this happy and i feel good. T kind of pushed me to start working this summer and to start studying this fall.

So after 5 years of humiliating failure, endless self search, spiritual progression - to realize that - graphic design is just not for me - i was never ever AWARE of how i never dreamed to be a graphic designer but my surrounding encouraged it more than psychology - I went to work in a super market - being 26 year old...after studying those 5 years - and not making it b/c of all the anxiety and Trauma and crap. I felt like crap being around all those aggressive superficial people who were better at all that crap than me...I "saved myself" from there after 2 months - went to a bookstore but got fired after a month without any warning. got really depressed and searched for a new job. I found but meanwhile semester began and since i was all depressed and angry and my self esteem issues got so triggered again. I was so distracted.

Anyways now i have been on and off studying real hard and realizing i might not really make it through this semester without my tutors knowing whats going on with me...all the ADD and PTSD and Anxiety...i have just terror to sit down and study and GUILT for not doing it before....

T insisted and convinced that i study this now this semester. He would give me homework every time....to call there and here and to find where. ok. I got on it back then but i couldn`t really get INTO this.

Well - this year i do like much more than the previous one. I do feel safe having a routine and ambitions and connection with other human beings. I love T and he does help me a lot. However - i feel i can no more take the pressure of having to get up at 04:30 AM to work, then to studies - then having only 3.5 days to sit and study the online courses i took which are the main ones. Never really having TRUE time to breath and relax into myself without GUILT fear horror trying so hard working so hard on myself not to slide not to lead astray. To stay focused on those studies. Having so much guilt and fear and love for the same subject - STUDIES.

I am so tired of this mess. T thought i was doing good. WTF I am SOOO way behind. And i am too tired mentally to even care.