This is probably the only place I can be honest about this struggle and people won't raise an eyebrow or think, "What a crazy!"

Due to finances, I see my therapist only once a month. She is definitely my secure attachment (I've been seeing her 4 yrs). She is having me journal about what feels good about my attachment to her and how it helps me, etc. But then she also has me on an "Emergencies Only" contract, as in I must use all my other support systems before I call or email her for support in between sessions.

I ended up calling her on Friday and left a voicemail. I did 2 really big pieces of work on my borderline thinking last week (see my Borderline Friday post) and I wanted to connect with her so I knew I was dealing in the right way and to just connect with her after doing some pretty scary new (but good) behaviors.

It's a holiday weekend, so I know I should not expect a call back now. But I'm still mulling over thoughts of "Well, f-her. I guess I am too much for her now. She's trying to distance for me. She's not going to be able to help me anymore so I should just be done." I'm also letting myself feel the disappointment and pain of not connecting with her. My inner child knows she is safe and wants to connect with her on these really intimate and difficult things. It's like a toddler who is exploring the world and needs to come back to home base--"mom"--to check in.

My T has given me so much support over the last 4 years both in phone and email. I DO know I matter. It just amazes me even after all of this major work on my BPD, I still struggle with abandonment.