I'm sorry if this doesn't make to much sense, it's a little hard for me to discribe.

It's like there are two parts to me. Inside and outside. Inside I'm hurting, crying, confused, ect.
There are two outside (or how I act around people) parts. I'm either happy, I smile all the time, I laugh, ect. Or I'm mad, irritable, angery, I make fun of people, I get into so many fights with people, I'm distant from people (even my closest friends), ect.

It's so confusing! It's not that I make myself act happy or anything. Yet I never act like I feel. I can feel so hurt on the inside and just want to cry, but I can't act that way on the outside! I don't know why and it make me so mad.

I feel like I'm dying inside, but no one knows that. Why? Because I can't act that way!

The thing is. When I act happy, I almost feel like I can hide from the pain I feel. When I act happy, I push the sadness and pain away. Then, when I don't have to act anymore (because I'm not around people anymore), the pain and sadness come back so much worse.

That's why I want to know what this is!! What is it that I'm doing? How can I stop doing this?

I want to be able to act the way I really feel. I just don't know how to do it.
I'm wondering if I just make up the 'bad' feelings inside to get attention, and really I am just happy. I just don't know.

How do I stop acting happy when I really don't feel that way?