thanks for your responses. they all helped a lot and i feel a lot bet able to cope with the push/pull conflict between parts. and i also don't feel so lost within the parts which makes things a lot easier.

for those that work with "parts", there is an excellent new book "coping with trauma-related dissociation" by suzette boon, kathy steele and onno van der hart. it covers a lot of things other books don't (such as phobia of inner experience, phobia of both attachment and abandonment, how to cope with relaxation/free time, how to cope with loneliness). a lot of it is focused on how these kind of things are the result of conflicts between parts. one thing is doesn't cover is how to negotiate/communicate with parts about conflicts so both sides "win". i still have no idea how to do that (usually one wins and the other loses which is not what i want to see happen).

anywho, thanks a lot for your help. i'm going to try emailing t now, except now that it's come time to, things are terrified inside