How did you find your current T?

I asked friends of mine for recommendations, but none of the T's I checked out seemed like they would work for me. I screened out several by phone, went to one session with another (horrors!). Then I became lazy and asked to see someone at the same Psychological Industrial Complex (one T who employs about 15 other T's) where my son saw a T for a few sessions. I told the secretary that I wanted someone experienced in trauma and she linked me with my current T.

Did you have to go to several before you found a good match?

Yes, and this has been true for the three times I have looked for a T. But my specific T was literally assigned to me and I feel fortunate that I didn't tell the secretary/receptionist that I didn't want a man (which was my first reaction).

How long does it take to realize they are (or aren't) a good match?

With all of my 3 T's, I felt they were a good match after a few sessions. I saw my first two T's for 2 and 3 years, and I'll probably see my current T for at least a year, if not longer. I tend to be like that with people in general, either I connect with them pretty much right away or I don't. It's rare that I develop a strong friendship with someone that I don't immediately have some sort of connection to. And I tend to have very stable friendships and relationships with people, so my T pattern fits me more generally.

In your opinion, what qualities are important for a T to have?

The first time I went to T, a friend of mine recommended my first T and said, you need to see someone who's smart. I think that all of my 3 T's have been very smart, but more importantly, they have been insightful and listen really well to me. I talk fast, say a lot, and can leave people behind if they are not on top of things. The T's that I have seen that I didn't think would work for me were people who seemed to have difficulty grasping what I was saying, reducing something complex to something simple like symptoms of depression. They just seemed to miss a lot of what I was saying. Also, I have interviewed potential T's who just seemed to have difficulty with some basic life tasks such as being on time, communicating basic things like their philosophies and beliefs and training, or coping with insurance claims. One potential T I saw went on and on about how horrible and impossible my insurance company was, she acted like she was a victim of paperwork. I thought at the time, I'm looking for someone to help me see my own power and lose my victim attitude, but she's not really it.

Also, because of the work I do, I have pretty well developed interviewing techniques. If I go see a potential T and he or she allows me to just extract all kinds of information about them and either can't ask me good questions or allows me to avoid talking about myself, I don't have any confidence in them to be able to help me. Some of this is a broader issue-- I need someone to be able to get me beyond my comfort zone-- using words as an obstacle for really talking (if that makes any sense) or asking questions as avoidance (I'm just very good at getting information out of T's, and some are fooled into believing I'm really interested in it, as opposed to me engaging in an exercise to avoid myself). Some of it is I need someone who can call me on my stuff and focus me on the real issues. I know that my current T (who is far better at this than my prior two T's) is guiding me when I pretty much lose my fluid and articulate conversational style and descend into few words.

Education and experience wise-- my current T is a MSW, my 2nd T was a PhD., and my first T was an MD. My current T has had about 25 years of experience, while my 2nd T had about 5 years, and my first T about 15 or so. The more experience I have in my own field, the more I think experience matters more than anything. My 2nd T had more life experience than T experience, which I think was particularly helpful for me.

The last quality that I have come to appreciate in my current T is his ability to be very much attuned and responsive to me, especially to my emotional reactions. He responds to a change in my emotional state, such as breaking into teary-ness, with an immediate flash of what I can only label as tenderness. His responsiveness is so genuine, so immediate, so authentic, and so understanding that he has taught me that attunement is something I very much need. It's really the opposite of relationships where I have felt out of sync in some critical emotional way.

Anne