((((Purpleflyingmonkeys))))

You are not alone. It is hard to talk about but I cannot and do not stay present. Something somewhere clicks and I am gone and when I come back nothing makes sense and I am terrified.

I also had one within that would initiate and then go away when things started getting intimate, forcing out a little who always took a lot of the abuse. She has always been very permiscuous but I believe that was what she had to be. I know that she looks for love however she can get it but when it hurts she does not stay.

(But not long ago though she had to stay out and deal with what she did and she has not initiated it again---she hated it. It was hard but something she needed to realize she was doing and causing pain to the system).

When I come back I am withdrawn and crying, not really knowing what just took place. A fear hits me and I run. For now I am not seeing anyone as it is too much and too hard to try to explain or to deal with.

Looking in the mirror is hard and often I do not really see myself looking back at me, but a stranger at times and it really scares me. It is hard to explain but often it is through my eyes that give way that I am not fully present. I know when I look in the mirror and my hair is done in a very young style that another has taken over and it is not how I would normally wear it. It is hard to really put words to what I want to say but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

dps