hey all! thanks for your comments, really appreciate your thoughtfull words.
unhappyguy i am surprised, really surprised, in a good way. you seem to get the picture very well. i didn't have the guts to reply sooner, denial i guess with a short depression phase xd
it's not like i discovered i am gay yesterday, it has been more than 10 years. i went through a hell lot of emotions. i thought more than once of coming out and deal with anything life would through at me, because i thought i didn't have anything to lose, i was living a nightmare 24/7. the world is big big lonely place for me. and it kept getting worse by the second. i know depression, i know what it leads to, i know the fear of one's own thoughts. i know i am in a big mess and my life is only going to be sadder and lonelier.
do i like that? hell NO.
your advice is valid, it's the healthiest solution in my opinion. but i am not a standard case. i live my life for my family, i have always been like this. i grew up believing that my family is my first priority. and besides, they depend on me, i am the one holding the fmily together, it has always been my responsiblity to keep everyone together.
as long as i can remember, i always felt like it's my mission in life, bring joy to these miserable, sad and tortured people. they see me as their only hope, and i grew up to embrace it. it's a weight i cary not happily but i want to.
so, please don't judge me, i am not naive, and i am not stupid, and god i know i am trashing my life, heading for a very miserable future, but as long as i can see some joy for my family i think i can keep going.
i know how stupid it must sound. i know i am miserable -that's why i am here x)- and i know that you are only thinking of my happiness, and i am really grateful. you really seem to understand how dark it can be.
thanks again.

for the record when i saw your "blunt message" i did a lot of thinking, and you know you didn't say something i didn't know already, but still seeing the words outta my head, wriiten down by someone else, made it a lot more real than i care to admit. so i came out to the closest friend i have. it went alright, well, i knew the outcome before i said anything, that's why i did it. anyways, it helped a bit, i don't regret it but i don't think i am going for that path, won't work.
again, my best regards

PS: i am not an artist, i just paint and write when i feel ****** and don't share, noone ever sees what i am doing. in real life i am an engineering student, no tormented artist i am afraid