At some time when he or she is not irritable and/or angry I would say "I have noticed that you are frequently irritable and angry and I would like to know what is bothering you;" then if I got an irritable and/or angry response say "Your response just now is an example of what I mean. As your spouse, I should be able to ask you a simple question without getting such an angry non responsive reply. We're married and I love you and we should be a support for each other. I want to know what is bothering you. Please tell me." If the next reply is more irritable, more angry, then I'd say "I don't intend to live like this. If you cannot tell me what the problem is, will you tell the doctor/a counselor/our rabbi/pastor/priest?"

The key is to stay calm and to listen hard for the response. If the response is "Stop nagging me! You're always nagging me!" Then, even though you might not be nagging your spouse, you have to realize that your spouse has just blamed you for the irritability. At that point, you can reply, calmly: "Thank you for your reply. When you are calmer, we can discuss what you call my nagging."

If the reply is "Stop making a mountain out of a molehill! I'm just tired! I don't want to discuss every little thing with you!" then you can reply, "When you are calmer, I'd like for you to make an appointment with the doctor to find out why you are so tired."

If the reply is "You know what the problem is! You promised to stop drinking/stop smoking/stop spending...and you haven't done that!!!"

The point is to listen to the reply and have a calm statement of what you want in terms of action as your next comment. While your spouse is angry is not the time to discuss whatever the problem is; but by giving a calm thought out statement of action, you are letting your spouse know that you will not live walking on eggshells and that you expect the problem to be resolved.

If your spouse is physically abusive, you already know this and the advice above is not for your situation. If you are doing something you know upsets your spouse, giving him or her a chance to say it and then being willing to address your actions is the first step to recovery and it helps enlist your spouse's support.

What doesn't work is cowering, caving, or ignoring unhealthy behavior in a spouse you are living with. It's entirely possible the spouse will stonewall, deny anything is wrong, or blame you vaguely. The next time he or she is calm, the same scene might happen again. At that point you have to be willing to act; different situations will require different solutions. You might have to suggest he or she leave for a few days; you might leave for a few days; you might have to make an appointment with a counselor,doctor, rabbi, priest, pastor for yourself and go by yourself if your spouse will not. What you don't want to do is, by doing nothing but tiptoeing on eggshells around your spouse, agree to him or her controlling the relationship through anger.

I am not a doctor or therapist. You may read through my advice and think it does not fit. But I have dealt with several significant people in my life who were as you described. When I stopped allowing myself to be 'handled' this way, change happened. What you want to do is make those changes so that you are happier; taking control of your life will help you do this.