Hi,

I think you sort of answered your own question in the end there... You feel it is potentially a combination of a bunch of things, and I agree with you that you sound like you may be a little confused about your sexuality. But given the societal upbringing of traditional Indian society, I don't think this is necessarily uncommon, as people don't have the sexual experiences earlier on that are common in other societies.

What you may have done is simply used what sexuality was available to you and now have been reinforced, creating a reinforcing cycle. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gay, given your unique circumstances.

But some people are attracted to both sexes (bisexual), and can be turned on by either. This is not something to feel ashamed of, but it does mean your sexuality can be even more confusing because of this. One sign of potentially being bisexual is being turned on by either men or women.

At the end of the day, the only person who can answer these questions for you is yourself. You can second-guess yourself all you want, but underneath all that second-guessing is a set of desires that are honest.

You may want to try and explore some of these issues in more depth with a professional therapist who's had experience in the area of gender sexual confusion, as it sounds like you would gain a lot of benefit from such therapy.

Take care and good luck in your journey.

Best,
DocJohn