Can we talk about the self-loathing? I think I hated myself more when I was living a "double life", when I felt like I was going through the motions day to day, but the real me was hidden far far away. THAT disgusted me as a concept, that I would live that way, treat my one and only life that way, living so inauthentically.

As I start living life more as myself, I perceive old shameful events differently. I hear past and current conversations differently. I get out of ruts and make new contacts who, quite unexpectedly, validate my new perceptions (a cousin told me how my mom was still up to her old tricks).

I know you want to get this process over and done with, but as they say in project management, no matter how hard they try, nine women cannot have a baby in one month. I think the more the new, improved sky takes hold, the less there will be of the old shameful sky. it drops away or gets transformed, is what it feels like to me. and I don't really know what my personality will be like say a year from now. so much of it is tied up in defenses - joking, being empathic! hmm...