That sounds very sad to me, Mike.

Welcome to PC, btw.

I'm 40 something now, but I used to get a real thrill out of punching my boyfriends. Not that I did it all of the time ~ not like that. But at a phase, early in the relationship, where he's be bragging about his strong ab's (Or something like that) and offer to be a punching bag. I happily took them up on the offer every time!

For me, it was twisted payback for making me suffer due to their desires as I grew up. (SA and EA) Twisted because these guys weren't around in my childhood or adolescence. I asked my hub (early in our relationship) if he'd allow me to hit him, once or twice, and he replied "only if you want to get hit back!". That's when I began to see this sick pattern I'd fallen into. I stopped.

It's been about 17 years since I've done it. No desire to do it again. Now I can see that re-aimed the anger more towards myself. Not healthy either, of course. But I'm working on it with a T and taking med's. Recognizing the unhealthy behavior is first on the list. Getting yourself to step back is next. And find a healthier outlet for emotional thrill. Because something has to take it's place on your list of things to do.

Best wishes!