Mostly the same things that were triggering urges all year. Depression, family issues (meaning past abuse issues that are either ignored or I'm blamed for), and trying to be successful or even just functioning in college and martial arts, when most of the time I feel like I can't handle it.

Around September or October I started to get much more depressed than I had been in a long time, maybe ever. I felt suicidal almost every day and was starting to be scared that I was actually going to do something about it this time. I would do things like drive to the top floor of the campus parking garage and just sit there thinking. Or drive 80mph on skinny curvy roads that it's slightly dangerous to drive the speed limit of 45mph on, just hoping to "accidentally" hit something. I just wanted to disappear.

The holidays coming up just added to all of it, because of the family issues. Honestly things aren't any better now, the difference is I'm to the point of just feeling numb alot of the time. The days I don't feel numb scare me. Then I SI to feel numb. Typically the only time I manage to avoid it is if I drink instead, which I know isn't a good idea either but I have trouble resisting an opportunity to drink.

So that's what triggered starting again, which was right before Thanksgiving. I ended up making this a longer post than I meant to...