Hi friend,
You are not a horrible person! You are not alone in feeling that way. Last year, I felt very badly and that I was a despicable person, and based it off of reality. But looking back, at that time I was very, very depressed. Whether it feels like depression or not, I think you may also be very depressed. There is something called major depression that you may relate to. Most of all, it can be taken care of! Please get the help of a p-doc or a therapist who can work with you through this.