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Jan 03, 2012, 06:04 AM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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Hi everyone. I know I've not been around for a while and I apologise for that.
Christmas was a struggle as it always is, so was New Year. But I managed to feel festive and enjoy the time I had with David and his family. It was nice to get a break from work and finally relax.
After Christmas though, I came down ill. The reason? Because Christmas forced me to relax. To do nothing but enjoy the time I had and just chill out, spend time with those I love, not think so much, just relax. So all my stressing and worrying caught up with me and made me sick which was painful and yuck. I'm still not fully recovered now, but being sick meant I stayed on the sofa not doing a lot which I guess my body needed. As much as I didn't want to, I even took a day off work sick because I was so ill that I could hardly sit up so I knew there was no way my body would cope with work.
Anyway, today I woke up when David got up to get ready for work and kiss me goodbye etc, then went back to sleep. I had a dream that I'd forgotten to take my work pass to work, meaning I couldn't get into my locker (my pass had my locker key attached), which in turn meant I couldn't use my head set and get my notebook and pens along with my hand sanitizer. I'm really religious about having hand sanitizer on my desk, you wouldn't believe the things some people do in that place.. So I felt a bit panicked and like I'd messed up.
But then I woke up after a bit more sleep and just felt a wave of anguish wash over me from nowhere. It wasn't like I'd been thinking about anything in particular or like anything particularly awful has happened over the last few days. So I sat up and just started to cry, I don't even know why. I just cried. I haven't cried in ages because I've been stuffing it down, ignoring it and when I do need to cry, it's stuck if that makes any sense at all.
So now, here I am feeling like an absolute sobbing mess because I keep crying on and off and I'm really not sure why. 2011 was a hard year to leave behind, but I have so much good happening in my life now. My modelling career is taking off, I'm getting a new job this week, David and I are settled in our home, money isn't such a worry anymore because I'm sticking to my money plans, I have two beautiful kittens to snuggle when I'm sad and I have people around me who care.
So why do I keep crying and feeling so sad? The only thing that I can think it would be is that this year will be 10 years since I lost my Foster Dad and 5 years since I got kicked out, meaning I had to fend for myself...  Other than that I'm really not sure what's bothering me. Maybe I'm afraid I'm going to fail with life, I think that's a possibility... I'm always worrying that I'll screw up and ruin my whole life. But I've screwed up my life before, so I know where not to go and how to look after and nurture my inner self that tells me what's right to do. I know how to decide for myself what feels right and what doesn't.
Just so unsure of myself at the moment and it feels like depression is taking its hold again. I'm still struggling with my ED, I still think about SH every now and then, but I haven't cut in 15 months now and I won't slip with that. I'm just so afraid that depression, somehow, is weeding its way back in and bringing me down and I'm just not sure how to grasp onto that last glimmer of hope and strength that I have. 
I want to feel okay, like... Really okay. But I honestly don't know if I can and how I can... Any ideas?
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