...first of all...lets validate how you are feeling...we won't make much progress unless we can admit that you are obviously feeling really really low, likely this is the lowest you have felt...to be in this situation you are in. Others here have been in it...some are in it right now as well, I was in it two weeks ago.
I am sincerely sorry that you are going through this right now, because I know what it's like. there are a couple stages to suicide ideation...seems to me you have reached the apathy stage...not a good one to be in whofitsin! not a good one at all..none of them are good...but apathy...wow!.you are really low yes.

All I can do is give you my version. Because of some of my experiences throughout my life..I have this involuntary belief that when the time arrives and I cease to be alive...(gonna sound weird)...that just aint the end of life!
In other words, when I die thats not it!
So if I take myself 'out'...I'm not gonna be any better off...in-fact it's just gonna be worse, I will be dead but alive in another much more horrible way..because I cannot kill my soul!...and I can keep taking my life over and over and it makes no difference. (I know it might sound ridiculous)....
but I have been subject to suicidal ideation for 25 years or so...lessening the older I get...and this has helped me drag myself out of really going for it any more...not just the thinking part.
so I figure I will make do....(not make the most...not that cliche that depressives can't identify with!)
I will make do with what I got goin' on..****** as it feels.

and for motivation as well I know how it made me feel when others did it!...and please don't take that as a guilt trip.

I used to think as an alternative to "it's my life I will do what I want"
..."it's my death and I'll do what I want!"
but sincerely???
it's so unfair to those that care about me...and if they have never experienced depression?
then they sure as heck will if I check out!!
I don't want to start an awful chain reaction of pain.

please hang in there.
monkey