*** Trigger for mention of imaginary violence***

I suspect this whole question is way too complicated for me to understand. But even realizing the quixotic quest I'm on does not seem to dampen my enthusiasm for seeking clarity of my situation. Simply put, I want to know who I am and once that is accomplished, then to be able to accept the good, bad and ugly of all that I am.

Being able to identify those terms I've mentioned as the title of the thread, it seems, would be giving me a tool to grasp the whole notion of identity.

I'm going to present a imaginary 'person' whose name is John. John is a good enough guy. He's married with 2 children. He had a rough and tumble childhood but nothing too extreme, as he would tell it. Not that he talked about it much. He had served in the military and now was working as a manager of a local branch of a chain store. His employees respected him but also feared him a bit. There was something about him - maybe his aloofness, maybe his curtness, maybe his ability to pierce them with his glance, that kept the workers a bit on guard.

His wife was his old high school sweetheart and she had learned to cope with John's moods. John would never be violent but he swung from extremes of warmth to cold. He could be kind and generous and then the next day unable to give anything of himself and could be very cruel in words (but, again, no physical violence) From the point of view of the outside world, he led a more or less normal life. He did not drink nor use drugs.

John was attentive to his children and would spend hours playing with them - but only when he was in one of his 'good' moods. Otherwise, the children knew to keep their distance.

Then one day, a terrible thing happened. Something snapped inside of John and he became enraged and out of control. He went through his house and tried to destroy everything in it. He threw the TV against the wall, he tore down the photos from the wall, he upended the beds, he took a sledge hammer to the furniture, he threw pots through the windows and on and on.
He then got in the car and raced away until plowing into a utility pole and wrecking the car. Unfortunately, he also veered onto the sidewalk before the crash, hit an elderly man and killed him.

After this episode, John was filled with deep remorse and although imprisoned for his actions, he never could find a way to forgive himself. Once released from prison, he did all he could to change himself and to possibly redeem himself. But he would never be able to forget or forgive himself for his terrible crime no matter how much he was able to 'improve' himself.

So, who is John?

We can say his personality was comprised of many parts - aloof, kind, disciplined, etc. Like all of us he had many 'selves'.

But what could we say is his 'authentic' self? All the selves rolled into one? Is one of the 'selves' more prominent and therefore can be called the authentic self. When John erupted in rage, wasn't he being authentic? The rage represented who he was at the time. But, later on filled with remorse, does his authentic self be better defined as 'remorseful'.

So, when we're advised to get in touch with our 'authentic' selves, what does that mean? Does it mean the part that is most dominant at that time but will change?

And is identity the same as authentic self? John IS a remorseful person, we could say. Or we could say that John IS a killer. Or is identity just a collection of labels and we can pick and choose which labels to apply depending on our mood at the moment.

I think core self is something that is deeper than thoughts, actions or emotions. I think that it is a place that isn't confused by the ever-changing landscape of mental/physical activity. What that is exactly, I don't know. I do know I had an experience once with my somatic T in which I believe I accessed that place. Words, descriptions and labels were not needed there.

And so, maybe resisting any kind of label is the key. But therein lies the rub. Just by refusing to apply a word to something does not mean it does not exist.

So, if someone tells me I'm controlling, I must consider that as a possibility. As I examine the evidence, I can try to determine what the truth is. But there are so many variations of the truth. Maybe I'm controlling in this situation but not in that situation. So, what do I do with that label? Is it part of my personality that I'm controlling? Is it something that needs changing? If it is part of my authentic self, then by exercising my controlling habits, I am honoring my authentic self, right?

I hope no one read this to the end. If you're confused, just know I'm more confused.