Yuh hah- a totally normal life would be so great!!! Stay in school gurl. I need to tell that to myself as well- because i ain't hardly there and kind of thinking about dropping out big time. I think i will drop out- at least of this first semester anyway. I feel like such a loser!!! I really do hope i get to become a pharmacist one day- even if i am a really screwed up person. I feel stink that i wasn't able to not purge yesterday- I think there's about a 12 hour difference between our countries- i dunno. I'm awake during the night when i should be asleep- feeling hard out depressed, and asleep during the day and feeling depressed as well. Today i'm at uni- but probably gona drop out. I am so unhappy babe- but i'm glad that i have someone to talk to!!! I have only done some really pathetic self harming in the last few days, but i have felt like doing some pretty major stuff- but not gona do it hopefully. I just wana be normal- cause i just feel like i'm the craziest person in the pharmacy school- everyone else is like all these poofter rich bastards which always talk about nothing that's really important. Nobody there has actually really lived i don't think- and they mostly seem to have lived really sheltered lives. Myabe i'm just bein a cow for assuming all of these things- but it's just how it seems really. Feel so left out and so out of place! I think i would make a good pharmacist though- if i ever got to be one. It's just so stressful studyin and bein sick- and not bein able to concentrate etc blah blah blah.
Anyways- I was like above 100kg- possibly my max was about 110kg- what a bloody whale of a chick i was!!! (I think that's over 220pounds eek!!!). so yep- i've been the obese chick. Ouchies- it hurts aye. when i was 19 and at uni i decided that i really started to look after myself and become healthy so that i would actually be able to give people health advice and stuff- so i lost most of the weight in a pretty healthy way! Good on me heh- but when it got to the end i started bein really restrictive and was quite depressed cause after a while i put heaps of it back on and then lost it- put it back on etc I was a bit of a yo-yo. Now i'm about 65kg or something- i don't really know- but i'm just kind of not really eating and purging what i eat- so i may prob lose weight. I don't really care too much about the weight anymore- for me, it's more about hurting myself. Weird kind of way to hurt myself huh!!! I think you're doin really well with being in control- you've got through days and some weeks without the b and p-ing and the harming. Well done- honestly- it is an achievement!!! Today- I'm probably go see my GP and see if there's anything that can be really done- coz i went to my psychologist yesterday and she wasn't really dat helpful i don't think. what helped me to stop purging for four days about 2 weeks ago was this lady who was really supportive. I totally admire her and she's non-judgemental. It's a bit creepy though- because she knows how i am and all. She knows all about everything- my hospital visits. Like everything- whereas my parents have crap all of an idea. It's kinda bad though- coz she's a lecturer- I don't really know if that's a bad thing or a good thing- but at least i had someone to help me. She honestly really cared about me. What she did was make an appointment with me to see me each day at some point to just do a short check up. I thought it was real nice- coz she must be real busy and all! She also sent me a few really encouraging text messages during that time. I just thought after four days that it wasn't really fair on her to do that for me- so i kind of left it- even though she was the one that offered to do it in the first place. I didn't really wana tell her that i was feeling kinda self harming and suicidal and all- so i just kinda left it. I think she knows some people who can help me cause she used to work with a lot of depressed patients and all. I think she also worked with some people who had annorexia (one was 22kg- ouchies!!!). She did a pHD on stuff to do with anti-depressants and things so i've been totally interested and asking heaps of questions about that. I did work with her over my summer holidays over the last two years and we've gotten to know each other pretty well. But i've only just told her about all of this stuff that's so screwed up about me- otherwise she probably wouldn't let me do work with her. I ended up winning a research project to do- and that was awesome- coz i got paid heaps to do it and i've done work about diabetes and stuff to do with pharmacy. It was cool- but i still didn't feel happy at the time i was doin it- coz i have been depressed for so long- i think since childhood and prob younger!!! Anyway- i'm just tryin to think- is there anyone in your life that really inspires you that you could kind of get you to help you out??? your aunt sounds like a really good kind of a person and someone dat you can talk to! Gotta be totally trustable. I trust dat lady will be ethical enough not to tell anyone about what i told her- cause we learn all bout ethics and stuff at p school- so she won't. I've got to find someone dat can help me out like that on a daily basis. I know it sounds kind of babyish- but yep i admit i need that help. coz i was always the independent type and always expect myself to do everything and not need help, but now i know that i really need sum friggon help!!!
I haven't purged yet today and i did have breakfast- woo hoo me! i'm planning to maybe go and have lunch soon, try to do some study and go and see someone about the ulceration in my oesophagus etc ra ra ra.
It sounds as though you've been through a lot sweets and dat you have some really painful physical things goin on. Hang in there and look after yourself. I just kinda laughed then- cause i felt stupid giving out advice to 'look after yourself' when i can't even do it meself- hee hee- but i'm trying
Love and hugs from Sezzie