Well, so far so good.

For the first time in eons, I was completely vice-free on New Year's Eve...No alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, hookups, meds...

Instead of accepting an invitation to go to a bar, I invited an old friend over for cooking, singing and playing music. I struggled with pain and emptiness throughout the evening, as caving into my cravings and just having "one" was never far from my thought. But I reminded myself that "just1" would lead to many, and waking up in shame and destroying all the good I've done for myself in the last 3 weeks. I can't quite put my finger on what's happening to me, but slowly destroying myself is no longer an option for me...maybe it's the sleeping, cutting out meds and toxic substances, or running... Not sure, but I feel more even and hopeful...

I have to get healthy and be strong for my loved ones. I cannot abandon them by ending it the way my father did...checking out seems selfish and cowardly now. I can't put them through the pain...I can't give up.