I am in recovery for an eating disorder that I have had since I was 16. I am almost 22 now and it doesn't seem as though I am ever going to get 'better'. All I want to do is eat but I can't allow myself to do that unless I purge it. But I am always craving food, as comfort I suppose. I buy food like crazy and I tell myself that it's a treat, that I'm treating myself by letting myself eat whatever I want. As long as I purge. I know this is going to kill me but I can't find a reason to stop, death doens't seem like a real reason. I hate myself, I hate who I am and I'm tired of living. I can't accept myself, or my body, or my needs. I wish I could just erase myself because I know I hurt everyone who loves me, it doesn't make sense to me that they can find something to love about me when I can't.

I don't know what i am looking for, perhaps just some support. I don't know the answers and I am starting to think that there aren't any.