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Thank you for all of the replies. I'm sorry that others can relate. As far as depersonalization and derealization goes, I've always dealt with that. I assumed it came from a part of the DID but perhaps they are seperate. It's really confusing. I don't think I have all of these seperate things wrong with me, it can't be. They say I'm bipolar 1, schizophrenic, manic depressive, DID, ptsd and severe anxiety. There has to be some kind of connection, something that clicks them all together. No one can be this messed up and still be functioning. If I try to figure out what each is caused by, I'll be in a huge tangles mess. The symptoms always mimic eachother. I've also been diagnosed borderline and OCD but those are the two dx's I know I don't have. I have borderline and ocd tendencies but I am not borderline or OCD.
The only connection I can really see is my childhood. I know my parents were dx'd with almost everything I have been dx'd with (apart from DID) but everything seems to get much worse when I'm reminded of my childhood or my past trauma.
During a traumatic night when I was 14 a man did something. The last thing I can remember before I blacked out. My boyfriend wants to do that but he doesn't know. He tries and often wonders why I don't want him to. But he never really asks me other than when I'm on the spot right there and I don't want to get into details at that moment. But it kind of messes me up pretty bad. Other little things that he does, I know it's normal for boyfriends to do it, and I love the fact that 2 years later he's still obviously attracted to me, but a lot of the touches can be triggering. It's so hard to fight the triggers. When I'm not looking especially. It partially brings me back to when I was younger. I go into defense mode and think I'm being attacked. But I've learned to fight it and I've learned to pretend like it's not upsetting me.
But perhaps ignoring this is why I've been fading out more. I can feel it. I kind of want to trigger it intentionally. I kind of want to do an experiment. I'm without a t at the moment but hopefully in a couple weeks I will get a referral for one. While I'm on my own I've been really curious... What will happen if I just allow a blackout? Without fighting it? Perhaps fighting it is why it's always such a dramatic time when I'm blacked out? Or perhaps if I black out on my own accord I can finally know what's going on. Kind of... Maybe set up a camera and record it? I don't know how to blackout on my own but I have some ideas. I've thought of intentionally triggering myself, I know what not to think about so maybe the key is to think about the things I've been avoiding?
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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