I am new to this forum. At this time I am not currently diagnosed. I am still trying to get into see a psychiatrist and psychologist. Even though I have been seeing my regular Dr for medications and talking to a therapist, it just doesn't feel like I am making any real progress. I had finally hit rock bottom on December 21st. I did something that I feel in my right mind I never would have done. The reason I say this is because I didn't remember starting to do it, let alone doing it all until my b/f finally brought it up the day after Christmas. Once I was able to accept that I had actually done what he had said, because I had to read the letters that I wrote him and to my 10yr old daughter, I had to see the things I was posting in Facebook as status updates, I had to talk to my mother and my sister because I had called them. Telling my mother what I had done. Efforts were made to get my b/f home to me asap.

All I know is at that point I realized its more than just depression that I am suffering from. Its something more. I had never cried so much for being so ashamed of myself for doing something like that to my loved ones. I had to apologize to everyone because I felt they deserved an apology for what I had done.

What has been described here sounds so much like me. I know I can't self-diagnose myself, but things I have read have all seemed to be spot on about me and my behavior. I want help. I need help because all I keep doing is things that ultimately put wedges between the ones I love and me. I just wish that they could understand me, but with all the things I have done, and all the wrongs that have numbed them to me, I'm afraid that even asking them to read up on it, would just get blown off. They think that I always have to make everything about me. Its always me, having a pity party. I know that there is more than just me to my family, but the overwhelming emotions take over. I wish I could remember the trigger on December 21st, but I can't and that scares me. It scares me enough to think that something like that could happen again.

I just need someone who is dealing with BPD to talk with. Someone who knows the feelings and other things caused by it. So if anyone is willing to talk to me to help me with insight, it would mean a lot.