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Yeah it's the premarital thing. It's a pretty big part of our relationship, we have a very active adult relationship and I've struggled for a long time to find and have God in my life with my past, it's been such a hard road. And I feel guilty continuing this premarital sexual relationship with no plans even of getting married at the moment. I know that abstinence would help solve this but... I don't want to scare him away. I know how screwed up that sounds. Well if he loves you than he will respect your boundaries and will stay with you if that is what you want. Well I don't know if I want to know if he would stay or not if we became abstinant. I also because of my history, have a difficult time telling others no. I will do it if I have to but with him, I wouldn't want to say no. But if I changed and tried the abstinance thing than I don't know if I would be strong enough to say no to him. It could put a whole new strain on me, a new complication for me. Another rough patch in the relationship.
I'm really torn right now, I know the "mature" "responsible" "socially correct" thing to do. I'm already divorced and only 24. I watch young girls getting their third divorce and they are my age. I don't want anything close to that and I know better than that. But things click so well with him and I. We fit together so perfect. We ALWAYS finish eachothers sentences even when they are random sentences. It's so easy to get along with him, he keeps me calm when I'm having a manic episode. He's made me feel safer than anyone else alive. Makes me laugh, I feel so comfortable talking to him about almost anything. He really is someone that I could see continuing to make me happy 80 years from now. But I know I'm still young, so is he, no need to "rush" into things but when you think about it, 2 years isn't rushing especially when I still want that year or two to finish up school before we do it, than it would have been 3-3.5 years. 3-3.5 years of living in sin, something I'm not comfortable with. I'm trying to get closer to God but I feel this may push him away from me and that is the last thing I want. So I'm stuck in a confusing cycle until something happens, we get married or we stop having premarital sex, and by stopping that I'm afraid it would end the relationship. He may not leave me over it but I can already see the troubles that would entail...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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