thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I am in therapy and it has been a struggle. my therapist is great and i really like her. we click well but its hard for me to open up and talk about emotional issues. i "check out" alot and second guess everything i think. its hard for me to think of what i remember as "abuse" because i have no memory of anything physical happening. but the way i have responded to intimacy and sex my whole life and now especially with my husband is extremely abnormal. lots of panic, disassociation, discomfort, etc. its hard for me to understand why that happens without something that physically happened. if these uncomfortable feelings weren't tied to my dad and i didnt know where they came from i would have no problem assuming i was sexually abused and be ok with not knowing how or by who and learning to heal just knowing, but since its my dad he's still in my life and what if i have kids someday? he would be their grandpa. its so conflicting and so hard for me to try to think in my head that my dad could actually do something that i dont remember that would be horrible. he provided me with so much my whole life. i got to do alot of things a lot of kids dont get to do. how can i "wonder" if he sexually abused me. arrggghh! so stressful.