Are you wanting to know when a friend asks or when your therapist asks the question?

When my therapist asks, I usually say, "Fine?", in the tone of a question in my weak effort to appear okay. She NEVER buys it. She then says, "Remember, you just came through that door, into my office. You're safe, and I want you to be honest with me. Now, tell me how you're really feeling." She knows I need that little bit of confirmation that it's okay that I'm not feeling great. After all, that's why I'm seeing her, right?

When my friends ask, it's the same sentiment. I'm pretty blessed with amazing friends and support, many who are old enough to be my parents, so I get lots of parental love and concern, often. When they ask how I'm doing, they genuinely want to know how I'm doing. They make sure to make eye contact with me, because they know how much I try to hide how I'm feeling and that I put up a wonderfully chipper mask to try and convince them I'm okay. Just like my therapist, they don't buy it either. I'm so grateful to have people in my life who are so sensitive and attuned to my needs. When I feel awful and depressed and I share that with them it's almost like they want to throw a party, because they are so happy I trust them enough to share my pain with them.

To specifically answer your question, my therapist says to take every opportunity to be honest about how you really are feeling when someone asks. She said you don't have to go in detail about anything, unless it's someone you trust and they genuinely want to know how you're feeling. She said I can say something like, "I'm struggling today." I'm trying to quit saying that I'm fine when I'm not, because I do believe you teach people how to treat you. I've learned if I continue to say that I'm fine when I'm truly not, I'm relaying the message that I'm always fine, but inside I'm torn up and I walk away without getting my needs met, whether it be a hug, an "I love you" or an "I'll be praying for you." I get lots of invites to spend the night at people's houses just so that know that I'm safe. Man, my chosen families are way better than my God-given family.

I realize that not everyone has the level of support that I have, but I totally understand how terribly difficult it can to tell someone how badly you're feeling, especially if you don't feel heard or if your trust has ever been violated. I wish for you that you will be able to honestly say how you're feeling and not feel ashamed or embarrassed to simply say, "I'm not okay."