Okay, she wrote back. And as much as I had honestly believed that I was being honest in my reply to her, the blinders are coming off and I am seeing the stuff she has been trying to get me to see. She's right, and it did take 2x4 therapy to get me to catch on because I was so determined not to see what I do that hurts people. I don't want to hurt people, but when she says that I use people up and mistreat them and destroy them, she's right. I do that. I hate it, but that's the pattern. I don't blame her for being frustrated with me. I'm not sure if there is any hope for me, or if I even deserve any help.

On these forums I am able to present myself as the person I wish that I was, and that's all that I allow you to see. I honestly do wish that I were that person, but I'm not her. It's all a big fat lie. I'm tempted to take this thread down because I have done T a grave disservice in portraying her this way and only giving you half the story. But the damage is done and I need to try to correct it. I'm not sure if you will believe me. I don't know why you should believe anything that I say. But as frustrated as she was, I was the problem all along.

Thanks for the support you all gave to me. I love you for it. But I don't deserve it.

I still don't know if she is going to be willing to give me another chance. I don't deserve one. She was talking about termination and I guess I have three weeks left only because we are participating in a research project on online therapy, and we don't want to mess up someone's data by dropping out early.

Rap

p.s. I'm not looking for people to tell me that she shouldn't make me feel this way. This is real. I'm a fake.