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Rapunzel said:
I'm not sure if there is any hope for me, or if I even deserve any help.

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Everyone is deserving of help. Everyone. You are deserving of help and love just as you are, right now. And you always will be.

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On these forums I am able to present myself as the person I wish that I was, and that's all that I allow you to see. I honestly do wish that I were that person, but I'm not her. It's all a big fat lie.

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I do think that in this type of format we're able to sort of start with a "clean slate", and this can mean that we present ourselves differently in this medium than we might in real life around people who see us more often. But I don't really think that makes how you present here a "lie". We all have different sides to us, and it's actually an adaptive human behavior to be able to be flexible with our behavior and interpersonal style depending on the situation. Plus, in a forum like this, where this is some safety from more anonymity, we have the opportunity to "try on" different behaviors, attitudes, ways of interacting, etc. So in short, I don't feel that the way you are here is a lie even if it's only one part of you.

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I'm tempted to take this thread down because I have done T a grave disservice in portraying her this way and only giving you half the story. But the damage is done and I need to try to correct it. I'm not sure if you will believe me. I don't know why you should believe anything that I say. But as frustrated as she was, I was the problem all along.

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I can't speak for anyone else, but in my case, even though I focused on the difficulties you presented, I was aware that there certainly must be positive things about your T or you wouldn't be working with her. It's okay to use this site to get feedback and support on the things that are upsetting or confusing. But as each of us are not one-dimensional, neither is any situation. And given that, I'm sad to hear that you feel you were the problem. It sounds so one-sided. It takes two to tango, you know. It is helpful to look at our own behavior and contributions to a problem, but I believe it's seldom entirely one person's responsibility.

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I still don't know if she is going to be willing to give me another chance. I don't deserve one. She was talking about termination and I guess I have three weeks left only because we are participating in a research project on online therapy, and we don't want to mess up someone's data by dropping out early.

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That complicates the issue, too with added pressure.

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p.s. I'm not looking for people to tell me that she shouldn't make me feel this way. This is real. I'm a fake.

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Well, I'm not going to say that, because you feel what you feel, and that's real.

And just another thought, and then I'll be quiet. Feeling like a fake or fraud is not uncommon in women, and it often comes out at a time when one is working towards a career goal. And therapy also tends to shake up one's sense of self at times.

And most important, I'm sorry you're hurting.

(((((Rap)))))

gg