Ugh. Guilt. It really can twist us up, and that feels so awful. I'm sorry you're experiencing this right now.
We all deserve to live. And we all make mistakes. It's part of our humanity.
Can you try to be more at ease with yourself about mistakes? It sounds like you already are.
Take care,
gg
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Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.
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