((( rainbow )))

Your post really hit close to home for me. I am overweight and do not find myself to be attractive at all. I am ashamed of my body.

Because of my past CSA and the shame I feel about my body, I have never ever even been naked in front of my own (now ex) husband for the entire 14 years of our marriage. And, to learn that I was seen as merely an object to fulfill his needs, as opposed to an actual living being with feelings, was hard to accept - as that meant that I was never really beautiful to him either.

I am at the place where I am truly puzzled by anyone who can say they honestly like me, care about me, etc. - because I am repulsed by my own reflection.

My T and I have not talked about it.....and I would be horrified to actually talk about weight issues with him...although he knows that I feel ugly, disgusting and unlovable. I said in my session today that when I feel so low like this, I used to be able to pull out of my arsenal of rationalizations things like - well, I have a husband, so I must not be that unlovable....and he has sex with me every day, so I must not be that repulsive........And now that I have no husband, I am left with those thoughts and feelings about myself.

The fact that my T is attractive and has a gorgeous wife doesn't help either.

We've addressed physical health overall, due to my chronic pain issues...and T has said that I've neglected my body and that my body is yelling at me to take care of it.

So, now I am trying to make an effort to eat better and exercise so that I can take better care of my health.

((( HUGS )))