I started treatment a while back, the place I go mostly focuses less on the weight and more on the mind set, thinking and issues behind the problem.

I totally understand how you feel. I want to get better, but I don't want to get better. I want to feel better, but I don't want to give up my ways or gain weight. It feels terrifying at times. I just try to focus on getting to healthy weight and not fear overweight. And I try to focus on feeling freedom, freedom from self defeating, negative thoughts, and how good it will feel.

Like Bokenlegsofthelamb said, try to focus and put that enegery into other things in your life, and that does help a lot.

You're not alone in how you are feeling right now.