Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonfly2
First let me say that I have no experience with DID, nor am I a mental health professional. What you are describing is what depersonalization and derealization feels like to me. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, I'm not connected to what I am saying or doing, yet I am aware of my words and actions. It's just from a distance, but I do not feel like I am in control of it. But it is definitely me. I often don't quite remember conversations, not from the effects of any sort of amnesia or alter, but sort of how you don't always remember everything you see in a movie - even if you're watching it, you're not really feeling the full experience of it and some details slip through the cracks. At least that's how it works for me. This may very well be separate from the times you do switch, and is simply another way your mind dissociates from things.
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I have very much the same experience you discribe here. I am doubting now that I have DID, although I am and have always been aware of my anger to the right of me and a small me to my left. They have always been with me. But maybe that is not DID. The other day I became upset during my session with the t and was defensive and agitated. I remember seeing me as in my 40s and with dark hair. I am in my 50s with light hair. But I remember seeing her and hearing the conversation between her and my t. I could not talk to her, She seemed unaware that I was there. My t said that her patients come knowing they dissociate and will switch in session. They have names, like, dislikes, lives. Mine don't. One is innocent and likes fun she is young, another is 16 and sarcastic and seems to know what is going on even when I don't. Another is anger/rage and still another is me young. But they don't have names, likes or dislikes that I am aware of or separate lives. They are understood by me to be moods. With thoughts to express what they are feeling. But fun does not get angry, 16(sarcastic) does not have simple fun, anger/rage is only anger/rage and does not talk, small me is afraid but never another feeling. This is not like what I have read on line or read on this site. But I don't know what else it could be. Right now I am completely without direction. I don't want to be treated for something I don't have. But I am coming apart and need help. I am going to copy this and send it to my t maybe I just never explained it clearly enough.