I FEEL ugly. My T has told me that I'm pretty, my H tells me that all the time, my friends tell me. I buy clothes that are way too big for me without trying them on, because I think I'm bigger than I am. H says that my view of myself and how I actually look aren't even related. But I know how I *feel*.

And kind of like with Ellie, it's this crazy Catch 22. The LAST thing I want are men looking at me, and when they do, I just want to die inside. I don't want to be ugly, I don't want to be pretty. Argh!

I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror a year or so ago. I was somewhere waiting in line for a bathroom and didn't know there was a mirror next to me. I was laughing about something and turned my head and there I was. I literally didn't recognize me. And then a second later, I realized it was a mirror and that. was. ME.

I really have no idea what I really look like in many ways.

T and I have talked about it a little, but it feels pointless, and I'm afraid that by talking about it, he'll realize "omg she IS ugly". I'd rather have him think I'm pretty, because he's safe.

I don't know. This topic makes me sad.