Hi everyone. I've been away for awhile, and I'm not even sure why. I just stopped logging on, stopped lurking even, for most of the past several weeks. Anyway, I'll try to come back, if whatever psychological force that took me away will let me.

To completely change topics...I've recently started Abilify. It has been a little over a week, and I now am up to 10 mg nightly. The second time I took it (@ 2 mg), I noticed that a tension that I didn't even notice had relaxed. I'm not sure if this is still occurring; I no longer feel super-relaxed, though perhaps I am less within the grip of my emotions than I was before?

One excellent effect that I have noticed is a sharp decrease in sui thoughts. I still feel miserable sometimes, but...I just don't want to die. I can't explain why, and I imagine that this wonderful shift must be from the Abilify. But I still wonder...what if it's not? What if my moods are just naturally evening out, i.e. the thoughts would have gone away on their own by now? Am I swallowing this expensive and potentially dangerous medication for no reason?

I'm also still far from "better"; I've had a lot of ultradian cycling and times when I experienced both depressive and hypomanic symptoms at the same exact time (but without the agitation of a true mixed episode). I've been seeing things and feeling paranoid a lot more often; strange that an antipsychotic would have that side effect! I'm still too much of a coward to tell my pdoc about the hallucinations and paranoia.

I have noticed that, while I experience highs more often, they are blunted. The euphoria does not possess my entire body, but remains in my chest. It never lasts long. Tegretol + Abilify = this? Perhaps this is improvement?

I really hope that the positive changes I have noticed are from the Abilify, because my pdoc said that if I improve on Abilify, we can get rid of Tegretol. And I really hate Tegretol. I still feel this hopelessness, however; part of me is convinced that nothing will ever work, and if it does, it won't work for long. So that part is probably trying to downplay the positive effects that probably are from the Abilify.

Overall, I am confused. Is the Abilify making me better, albeit in a very specific way? Has anyone else experienced similar effects-relaxation, less intense emotions, and a decrease in suicidal thoughts-from Abilify? How about the side effects-more ultradian cycling, blunted but frequent hypomania, more psychotic symptoms? Thanks for all and any input. I realize that I am the only person who can really answer this question, but I'm having a hard time with it.

Bonus question: Am I even crazier than I thought for thinking that Abilify tablets have a bit of a fruity flavor?