A call from my mother had me feeling pretty hopeless. She has a way of angering me while simultaneously leaving me defenseless with guilt. She insists on hurting me by dragging up horrible things from the past, and having me re-live it with her. I start crying out of frustration because she can't and won't listen to how I feel...and she says she's too old and tired to feel bad and hangs up. All in the name of love...a broken, misguided, jisatsu love. All I wanted to do was reach for anything to numb myself with for the rest of the day.

I woke up after a few hours of sleep and realized that I need to get help or I'm going to carry it around with me again...So I made a call to AA, even though I fought through the triggers and didn't give in. God, I'm a mess. I'm embarrassed that I sounded like a scared little girl, but a kind man on the other end gently guided me through the conversation, and told me that all I had to do was go and say my name.