Rap, what you describe is something I am accused of constantly, by my family, anyway. Right now, technically, I am homeless. If it weren't for my sister taking me in, I would be in a shelter. I have no job and about $80 cash to my name, and that's it.
BUT ----- even when I was working, I didn't make that much money, and my friends were always helping me out somehow. One got me on her church's food pantry list, and would bring me over bags of food every week. Others helped pay for my meds, because even when I had insurance, I often couldn't afford the copays. In big ways and little, my friends were always bailing me out.
In some ways, because they were willing to do it, I came to expect it. Most of my friends are willing to speak up and say they are feeling used or whatever, IF they are, but when *I* would be the one to bring it up, they would wave it away and say "no problem," because, for them, it truly wasn't. They could afford to do what they did, and they did it because they loved me and wanted to help.
I know there is no way ever to repay them. My best hope is that someday I will be in a position to "pay it forward" and help out somebody else, in their honor.
I think you feel so bad because you want to be able to help, but you're barely in a position right now to help yourself. I'm so freaked out about getting a job here, because I have a huge medical appointment on the 11th and my sister is going to get stuck with the bill if the state medical assistance doesn't come through for me. My family has given me a ton since I've been sick, but they ARE tired of it, and tell me so repeatedly (one more reason friends are way better than family, LOL!). One of them is going to have to make my car payment this month, again......I thank them constantly and tell them how much I appreciate it, and I feel guilty as all get-out that I can't do anything to help MYSELF.
But, that's where I am right now, and maybe you too. It's so hard to relax and take what's being offered because of pride, in my case, not sure about you. For over 20 years I have prided myself on being independent and able to take care of myself, and since Dec. I have had to rely on people 1,000%, and I hate it. But if that is what you have to do right now, then that is what you have to do.
Maybe we can help each other feel less guilty about it.
Love, Candy