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Last night was particularly uneasy at some points. As mentioned above by leaf, I was having flashbacks during intimate times last night. Also a lot of unpleasant thoughts but I was eventually able to calm myself. I have been thinking about how to break the news to him that I want us to be "abstinant" (spelling?) until I/we get married. I don't want him to take it personally so I'm going to have to tell him how I've been getting "triggered". Hopefully he will understand. He's been very understanding so far. I just don't want him to think he's the reason for it. Really it's because I have a guilty conscience (being Christian and the premarital thing) and it's really been triggering lately.
It's getting kind of worse. I'm starting to get snappy with him. He will initiate it and I start to feel like I'm getting pulled out but I can see myself giving him a evil look and pushing him away. He's been picking up on it too. I can tell. It's not him at all, I don't know why but the last few days I feel an overwhelming amount of anger and worry and confusion during this time.
I think, with this anger thing starting to surface, perhaps a break at least until I can calm whatever/whomever it is that is getting so upset. I just hope my boyfriend understands he's not the reason for all of this confusion.
I didn't realize I was such a mess until I started trying to fix myself, but I guess that's the way life works.
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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